There's something deeply wrong with him.

I've known him for ten years now. We're the same age, but at the time I wasn't really interested in the things people my age talked about and he wasn't either, so it was easy for him to work his way into my life.

He would show up only once or twice a week, and he wouldn't stay for long most of the times. We didn't even talk that much, it was just being in the company of one another. He always had something exciting and interesting to tell me, but after ten minutes into his monologue he would stop and just be there.

I don't know why but I don't quite like him, I mean... he's interesting. And I like that he's everything I would like to be. But if I had a choice I'd make him go away.

As we grew up he started showing up more often, and the conversations grew longer as well, I started interacting more, and talking to him about my life, things that happened during the day. He's a good listener, but at the same time he isn't... it's his way of helping I guess, he interrupts me when I'm talking and just changes the subject abruptly. At first I didn't get it but now I think he doesn't want me to get upset. So he probably just thinks he made the problem go away by replacing it with something else. 

It helps. 

Actually, it only helps while he's still talking, problems are persistent that way, go figure.

Before I met him I was less... How can I put it? I was less conflicted. My mind just worked a lot better before, life was easier and I lived in this bubble, this little protected box that made me... sane?

After a year or so of listening to him questions just kept being born, and ultimately that little box wasn't big enough and it popped open. I can't really put a date to it, It was gradual but at the same time it was sudden enough to mess me up in this very shitty way.

He's not at fault here, he's just the tool that helps me become myself. But at the same time I blame him for making me realize that the box was too small for me. I blame him for making me realize boxes are not made for people.

I hate him ninety eight percent of the time, but that two percent is enough for me to keep him around. I don't actually have a choice... he's now this huge part of who I am, maybe I can't even be a person anymore without him there.

He's vicious though, he's angry all the time. I can see it in his eyes, these dark brown eyes... the kind that if you're not careful enough, make you jump into the darkness never to be seen again.

Ok, he's not angry all the time. I mean... he can not be angry if he want's to.

He's never wrong,  always tells the truth, and points out things that I hate about myself, sometimes I ignore him, sometimes I just zone out of the conversation and just tune back in when he's gone... Sometimes he wins though. Lately he wins more and more.

But he has this way of showing me what I love about myself as well. Madness! Pure distilled madness.

I think our relationship would be a lot easier if I could just introduce him to people... but I can't. People won't be able to bare him, or even worse... they will. I don't know how to react to both options. Once I do introduce him, there's no un-introducing, and even if I manage to hide him again, or just pretend he's never there... nothing will be the same.

But after ten years nothing is the same anymore... Is it?

Maybe I've known him for longer...

You see? He's troubled.